Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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