I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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