My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
