Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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