i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
