Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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