I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
