i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
