Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
