what day is it and did you see me today?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
