If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
