Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
