My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
