Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
