He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
