he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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