I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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