I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
