I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
