she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize