On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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