Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
