Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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