You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
it glows. i had to have it.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
