Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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