Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
