Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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