so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
