I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
