There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize