4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
