I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
