i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize