My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
