I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
