im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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