Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
