She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
