I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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