this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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