3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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