Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
