420 ftw
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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