I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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