Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
