After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
