just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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