is your mom at the bar?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
