Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize
