I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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