dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The Olympian is in my bed
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
